do not open before Christmas

…ribbon on my wrist that says do not open before Christmas…

let this be your trigger warning- even though I know for most, talking about depression and suicide is uncomfortable. it’s the minuet details like this song- along with a handful of others- a movie, a certain scent, a harsh phrase, a type of scissors or a piece of art that can send one spiraling.

so here’s the thing we’re not supposed to acknowledge, the scars we quickly glance away from, the darkness that we may face in this mad world; all of which can reappear when becoming a mom.

postpartum depression has affected me before and I’ve found myself back in its grasp- cradling me in this pit of loneliness, anxiety, and despair. there are moments I lose hope, moments I look at these scars from a decade ago and think

“why did I survive? I should’ve gone deeper”

in those moments the thought of nothing sounds like the sweetest escape.

I know it’s not the answer. I know there are people in this world counting on me. I am more familiar with the collateral damage it’d cause than most, but can’t help but feel this way. I’m working hard on digging myself out of this rut. I swear I’m trying my best. some days it doesn’t seem good enough, and then other days the thought barely crosses my mind.

But life always gets better.

there will always be something wonderful waiting for you on the horizon. if anyone else is struggling like this, please know that you just need to stay strong & fight these thoughts. the day will come when you look back at these moments proudly because you didn’t cave; because you’re still breathing.

it’s hard. it’s so incredibly hard, but it’s worth it. everyday you get to wake up is a blessing not only to you but to all those in your life. Whether keeping a gratitude journal helps you fight off these dark thoughts; or seeing a therapist helps even more,just know you are not alone.

I’ve fought the battle & was lucky enough to win the war. some days my scars are my biggest trigger. some days I wish that these white lines, the evidence of my former weakness, would fade away already. here’s the thing, these scars are barely noticeable. they stand out like a red ribbon in the snow to me- but to others- they are invisible. these marks are not a sign of weakness; rather a sign of the warrior that resides within me.

I may have fallen, more than I like to admit, but I’ve lived.

To quote my favourite super hero,

“the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. be brave. live.”

So here I am being brave. I will remain brave.

coping mechanisms for suicidal thoughts:

•    seeking professional help

•    gratitude journal

•    call a hotline(I’ll have numbers listed below)

•    talking to a professional about medication

•    find the root of these feelings. what seems to be triggering it? what can you do to stop that?

•    make sure you feel safe. not only in your home but with your friends and family. don’t be afraid to get rid of those that trigger you. remove items you can harm yourself with from your home

•    make a list of reasons to live. write down every reason that comes to mind no matter how small or grand

•    reach out to loved ones. tell them how you’re feeling so you have someone to support you or even save you when you need it the most

•    remind yourself of past experiences. remember that terrible feeling of regret when you thought you had been successful.

•    remember that these suicidal thoughts are just thoughts. if you don’t focus on them they are fleeting

•    find a distraction that helps your train of thought move past this

•    read others testimonies about failed suicide attempts and how glad they are to have survived

•    be gentle with yourself. just like it took time for your thoughts to snowball from depression to suicide, it’ll take time for you to dig yourself out of it. you can and you will dig yourself out. you need to always remember that, even if it seems like a lie

We got this. we are strong and we are capable; we will make it through the storm.

if you are reading this and aren’t sure if you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts then please educate yourself on the signs.

please reach out to those you think are struggling- just reminding someone you are there for them or referring them to resources that will help can go a long way.

national suicide prevention hotline-


text TALK to 741741 to

talk to a trained crisis counselor

find more coping mechanisms, information & consoling here

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